‘Bible Stories’ gives us the Bible’s guidance on the treatment of women and unbelievers, and shows how God fulfills prophecies. The Style Section (page 17) focuses on God’s creative side.
Homosexuality is Wrong
In the evening an old man returning from his work in the field saw a traveling Levite in the street. “Where are you going?” he asked, and the man answered, “I’m going to the house of the Lord, but I don’t have anywhere to stay tonight.” So the old man brought him home, along with his mistress and servants and asses, and they all had dinner.

Now, while they were having a good time, some men from the tribe of Benjamin surrounded the house and beat at the door, crying, “Bring out the man who came into this house so we can have sex with him!”

And the old man went out to them and said, “No, my friends, I beg you, do not behave wickedly. Look, here’s my daughter, a virgin, and here’s the man’s mistress; do with them whatever you want, but do not do anything immoral to this man!” But the Benjamites would not listen.

So the Levite gave them his mistress, and they raped her all night, then let her go. When her lord got up in the morning, he found his woman fallen down at the front door, with her hands on the doorstep. He said to her, “Get up, and let’s go!” But she didn’t answer, so he put her over his ass and went home.

And when he got home he took a knife and cut her up into twelve pieces, and sent her to all the twelve tribes of Israel.

— Judges 19

The Levite’s Mistress is Avenged
Now the Israelites looked for the men who’d raped the Levite’s mistress, but the people of Benjamin wouldn’t give them up, and made war until twenty two thousand Israelites were dead; and the Israelites wept, saying “Lord, in return must I kill my brothers the Benjamites?” And they killed twenty five thousand Benjamites and set fire to their cities, until only six hundred men survived who’d run away to the wilderness.

Then the Israelites were sorry, and said “How can they find wives when we’ve killed all their virgins!” So they considered, “Is there any tribe which hasn’t come to the Lord’s house?” Now the tribe of Jabeshgilead wasn’t there, so they sent an army to completely wipe them out and managed to capture four hundred virgins, which they gave to the Benjamites to made peace.

Then the elders said to the Benjamites, “But you’re still two hundred virgins short! However, there’s a yearly feast near Bethel; hide in the vineyards, and catch the daughters of Shiloh when they come out to dance. And if their fathers complain, say ‘You’re the guilty ones; just because we didn’t reserve your virgins during the war, you should have given them to us anyway.’”

— Judges 20, 21

The Story of Shechem and Dinah
Schechem raped Dinah, but then fell in love with her. His father said to Dinah’s brothers, “Let them marry; our people will make marriages with yours and share the land.” And Schechem added, “I’ll give you whatever you ask for.” Dinah’s brothers answered, “You can only marry our sister if you will be as we are, with every male of your people circumcised.”

So Schechem and his father talked with the men of their city, saying, “These people seem peaceful, so let them live on are our land and trade with us.” And every male was circumcised.

But on the third day when they were sore, Dinah’s brothers came to the city and slaughtered all the men. They took their sheep and oxen, their asses and their wealth and all their little ones, and made their wives prisoners.

And Dinah’s father, Jacob, said to his sons, “Why have you made me stink as far as our neighbors are concerned, so that they’ll come and kill me!”

And they replied, “Should he treat our sister like a whore?”

— Genesis 34

Jephthah and the Virgin Sacrifice
Jephthah was the strongest and bravest of his people, but he was the son of a prostitute, and his brothers threw him out saying “You can’t share our inheritance.”

Jephthah fled to the land of Tob, and when Ammon started to wage war against Israel the elders of Gilead went to fetch him. Jephthah said to them, “Didn’t you hate me and reject me? Why come to me now when you’re in trouble?”

And they answered, “If you help us fight Ammon, you can be leader of all Gilead”.

So Jephthah became their general; but his attempts to make peace failed, and he vowed “Lord, if you give me victory against Ammon, then whatever comes out of the door of my house when I return shall be offered to you in sacrifice”. And he conquered twenty Ammonite cities with much slaughter.

When he returned to his house, his daughter came out to meet him, playing tambourines and dancing; she was his only child. He cried “Alas, my daughter! I’ve promised you to the Lord!” And she said, “My father, do to me whatever you’ve promised; but first let me go to the mountains with my friends, that I may mourn the fact that I must die a virgin.”

“Go,” said Jephthah. And she went off with her friends, and wept for her virginity on the mountains. And after two months she returned to her father, who offered her to the Lord as a burnt offering.

And she was still a virgin.

— Judges 11

The Story of How Elisha Healed the Water but Killed the Children
Elisha touched the waters of the Jordan, and they parted and he crossed over. Then the sons of the prophets came to meet him, and bowed down before him. The men of Bethel said to Elisha, “Look, we implore you, this city is pleasant but there’s no water.” So he went off to the spring and cast salt into the water, and the water was healed.

From there he went to Beth-el; but as he was walking up the hill some little children from the city came and mocked him, shouting, “Up you go, baldy! Up you go, baldy!”

Elisha turned back and looked at them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two she-bears came out of the wood, and ate forty two children. And he returned to Samaria.

— 2 Kings

Lot’s Wife is Punished for Her Sin
Two angels came to Sodom in the evening, and Lot bowed his face toward the ground and said, “My lords, please stay all night in your servant’s house.” They entered his house and enjoyed a feast; but the people of Sodom surrounded the house, calling “Where are the men who arrived tonight? Bring them out that so that we can have sex with them!” Lot stepped outside the door, saying “I beg you, brothers, do not behave so wickedly. I have two daughters who are virgins, take them and do as you wish, but do not harm the angels.”

Nevertheless, the people tried to break down the door, and so the angels made them all go blind. Then they warned Lot to leave the city before the Lord destroyed it for its wickedness.

So Lot fled with his wife and daughters while the Lord rained a torrent of brimstone and fire upon Sodom and Gomorrah; and the Lord destroyed all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, until the smoke went up like the smoke of a furnace.

And though God forbade the family to look back, Lot’s wife disobeyed and was turned to a pillar of salt. Then Lot and his daughters went fearfully up a mountain, and lived in a cave.

And his elder daughter said to the younger, “There are no men left for us; let’s make our father drunk and have sex with him, so we can preserve his seed.”

And for two nights they had sex with him, first the elder and then the younger, and they became pregnant.

— Genesis 19

The Unwise Prophesy
While the king of Syria was sick he heard that a famous prophet, an Israelite named Elisha, was visiting nearby. He told his general Hazael to take gifts and ask the man of god whether he would get better. Hazael went to Elisha and said, “King Ben-hadad wants to know if he’ll recover.” Elisha replied, “He’ll recover, but then he’ll die!” And as he spoke these words, Elisha began to weep.

“Why do you weep, my lord?” asked Hazael, and Elisha answered, “Because I know the evil you’ll do to the people of Israel. You’ll burn down their fortresses, and kill their young men; you’ll dash their children against the ground and rip open their pregnant women!” Hazael said, “But how can a mere nobody like me do such great things?” Elisha answered, “The lord has revealed to me that you will be king.”

Hazael returned to his master and told him the good news of his imminent recovery; but the next day when the king was feeling better, Hazael took a thick cloth, dipped it in water and held it over the king’s face until he suffocated. And behold, all that the prophet had foreseen came to pass.

— 2 Kings 8

Another Prophesy Fulfilled
The prophet Elijah told General Jehu that he would be king of Israel, so Jehu rode in his chariot to find King Joram. He cried, “Your mother’s a witch and a whore,” and killed the fleeing king with an arrow between the shoulder blades.

When Joram’s mother Queen Jezebel heard that Jehu was coming, she put on her make-up and did her hair, and looked out of the window. She called down, “How can there be peace, when you’ve killed your master?” Jehu shouted up, “Who is on my side? Who?” And two or three eunuchs looked back at him.

Jehu called, “Throw her down,” so they threw her down; and her blood splashed up the wall and over the horses as they trampled her underfoot. Jehu went indoors to get something to eat, and told the servants to bury her body; but all they could find was her skull, her feet and the palms of her hands, because the dogs had eaten her. Jehu said, “Her corpse will lie there like dung, and no-one will be able to recognize it.”

— 2 Kings 9

Who’s More Guilty?
Now there were seventy princes of the royal family left in Samaria, so Jehu wrote to the nobles of the city who were raising the children, saying, “If you’re on my side, bring me the heads of the princes by this time tomorrow.” The nobles killed the boys, put their heads into baskets and sent them to Jehu, who ordered them to be piled in two heaps by the city gate.

The next morning he went out and said to the people, “You are fair-minded judges. I may have killed my master, but who put all these to death?” Then he went to Samaria and killed the rest of the royal family, in fulfillment of the word which the Lord had spoken to Elijah.

— 2 Kings 10

King Jehu’s Joke
Then Jehu gathered all the people and said, “Your last king served Baal a little, but Jehu shall serve him a lot! Call all the prophets of Baal, all his servants and priests, and I shall make a great sacrifice to him.” And all Baal’s worshippers throughout Israel assembled in the Temple of Baal until it was full from one end to the other. Jehu said, “Bring vestments for the congregation,” and vestments were brought from the vestry. He added, “Make sure there are no worshippers of the Lord among you, just worshippers of Baal.”

Eighty armed men were stationed outside, and Jehu instructed them, “If you let anyone escape, you’ll pay with your life.” Then he sent the guards and officers in to slaughter everybody. They destroyed the temple and made it into a toilet, which it remains to this day. And the Lord said to Jehu, “Because you’ve done what is right in my eyes, and you’ve done to Ahab’s people all that I had in mind, your sons will be kings to the fourth generation.”

— 2 Kings 10

The Story of the Ark and the Golden Hemorrhoids
When the Philistines captured the ark from the Israelites, the Lord destroyed their god Dagon and gave them hemorrhoids. The Philistines gathered all their lords and said, “What shall we do with the ark?” The lords answered, “Let it be carried to Gath.” However, when they carried it there the Lord afflicted the men of the city with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

So they sent it to Ekron. And the Ekronites sent for the lords, saying, “Send away the ark to its own place!” because there was deadly destruction throughout the city. The men who didn’t die were afflicted with hemorrhoids, and the cry of the city went up to heaven. They called for the priests, saying, “What shall we do with the ark?” and the priests said, “If you send it away, make amends with a guilt offering and you’ll be healed.”

The people said, “What shall the guilt offering be?” And they answered, “Make golden images of your hemorrhoids and of your mice, (there was also a plague of mice), as a tribute to the god of Israel. Hitch two cows to a cart to carry the ark and your offerings. If the cart takes the road of the Israelites along the coast to Beth-shemesh, then the hemorrhoids are God’s doing, and if it goes the other way, then we were afflicted by chance.”

They laid the ark upon the cart, beside the box with the golden hemorrhoids and the golden mice, and the cows went straight along the highway to Beth-shemesh; they were mooing as they went. Then the Israelites who were reaping their wheat harvest in the valley lifted up their eyes and rejoiced to see the ark returned. The Levites laid the ark, the hemorrhoids and the mice on a large stone, and the people worshipped and offered burnt offerings to the Lord. And God killed them, as many as fifty thousand and seventy, because they looked into the ark.

— 1 Samuel 5:9

Uzzah Saves the Ark of God
And David went to Baalah bringing the ark of God the Lord. They carried the ark in a new cart which was driven by Uzzah, and David and the Israelites played before God with all their might, with singing and harps, with cymbals and with trumpets.

But when they came to Chidon, Uzzah put his hand out to hold the ark, because the oxen stumbled and shook it. The Lord became very angry with Uzzah, and killed him there for his mistake; and there he died by the ark of God.

— 2 Samuel 6:7, Chronicles 13:5

The Story of the Girl from Syria Who Jesus Cured Even Though She Was a Foreigner
Jesus sent out the twelve disciples, saying “Don’t go abroad to the Gentiles, but go instead to the lost sheep of Israel. As you go, preach, ‘The kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils.”

And a woman of Syria came crying to him “Have mercy on me, Lord, my daughter is tormented by a devil!” But he wouldn’t answer her. His disciples begged him, “Send her away, she keeps annoying us,” and he answered “Certainly, because I’ve only been sent to help the lost sheep of Israel.”

Then she came and worshipped him, saying, “Lord, help me”. But he answered, “It isn’t right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs”. The woman said, “You’re right, Lord; however, the dogs do eat the crumbs which fall from their master’s table.”

And he said to her, “Alright. For saying that, go on your way; your daughter’s cured!”

— Matthew 10:5, Matthew 15:2, Mark 7:25

Faith or Family?
A certain man said to Jesus, “Lord, I’ll follow you, but let me first say goodbye to my family.” Jesus answered him, “No man who looks back is fit for the kingdom of God. I come not to bring peace, but the sword; I come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man’s enemies shall be the people of his own household.”

— Luke 9:61, Luke 12:51, Matthew 10:34

Nevertheless, Jesus Is Nicer Than God; Can We Pray Just To Jesus?
Jesus cried and said, “He that believes in me, believes not in me, but in he who sent me. For I’ve not spoken of myself, but of the Father who sent me, who commanded me and told me what to say.

My doctrine is not mine, but the doctrine of he who sent me. If any man will do his will, he must know the doctrine. Didn’t Moses give you the law, and yet none of you obey it?

Don’t think that I’ve come to destroy the law, or the prophets; I’ve not come to destroy, but to fulfill. For indeed I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, in no way shall one jot or one tittle pass from the law, till all is fulfilled.”

And a certain ruler asked him, “Good Master, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No-one is good except for one, and that is God.”

— John 12:44, John 7:16, Matthew 5:17, Luke 18:19

Style Section
Those who take issue with God’s genocidal tendencies might consider his feminine side. He adores fashion, décor and fine cuisine, and his instructions on style go into extraordinary detail, here much abridged. His flamboyant designs show that in matters of taste his guidance is every bit as reliable as it is in matters of morality.
The Lord Gives Fashion Guidance
To die for: These holy garments must be made for Aaron and his sons Nadab, Abihu, Eleazar and Ithamar; for Aaron a breastpiece, an apron, a robe, a brocaded tunic, a mitre, and a sash which must be made of gold, violet, purple, and scarlet cotton and fine linen. The breastpiece is to be square when folded double, with four rows of precious stones. The apron shall have two suspenders joined at the edges, with two onyx stones set in gold on the shoulders. Chains of pure gold, twisted like cords, are to be fastened to two filigree rosettes on the suspenders, and violet ribbons will bind the rings of the breastpiece. The robe must be made entirely of violet material, with a selvage woven around the opening for the head. All around the hem pomegranates must be embroidered, woven of violet, purple, and scarlet yarn and fine linen twined, with gold bells between them. Aaron shall wear it so that his tinkling may be heard as he enters and leaves the Lord’s sanctuary; or he will die. You must make a plate of pure gold, engrave on it HOLINESS TO THE LORD and put it on blue lace on the mitre; it must displayed prominently on the front. And for Aaron’s sons you must make coats, sashes and bonnets for glory and for beauty, and underpants of linen to cover the naked flesh from their private parts to their thighs. They must wear these whenever they approach the altar; or they will die.

What not to wear: And then the Lord said “Because the daughters of Zion are haughty and walk stretching out their necks and seducing with their eyes, mincing as they go, and tinkling with their feet; therefore the Lord will give them scabs on top of their heads, and reveal their private parts. He’ll take away their tinkling ornaments and bracelets, the scarves, the bonnets and the leg ornaments, the headbands and the earrings, the rings and nosejewels, the changeable suits of clothing and the cloaks, the fine linen and hoods, the wimples and the crisping pins and veils.”

— Exodus 28, Isiah 3:17

The Lord Gives Décor Guidance
Furniture Design: The room and all its decor you must design exactly according to this pattern; you must make an ark and overlay it with pure gold, and place upon it a mercy seat of pure gold, with two cherubim of gold on each end who will cover the seat with their wings. You must make a table two cubits long, a cubit wide and a cubit and a half high, and overlay it with pure gold and border it with a golden crown. And on top of the border which is a golden crown, put another border which is a golden crown all around it. The plates and cups must be made of pure gold. You must make a lampstand of pure gold, with six branches, and cups shaped like almond blossoms; all must be one beaten work of pure gold.

How to Make Curtains: The room itself shall be composed of ten curtains, each twenty eight by four cubits; they must be made out of braided fine linen and of violet, purple and scarlet yarn, with cherubim embroidered on them. Five of the curtains shall be joined to the other five curtains, and you must make blue loops on the edge of one curtain from the selvedge to the coupling and likewise to the furthest edge of the other curtain to the coupling of the second. You must make fifty loops on the one curtain, and fifty loops on the edge of the curtain that’s in the coupling of the second, so that the loops may take hold of one another. Repeat for the other ten sheets. Then make fifty clasps of gold and attach to both sets of curtains.


— Exodus 25

How to Make an Offering to the Lord; His Own Recipe
Take one young bullock and two rams, unleavened bread, unleavened cakes tempered with oil, and wafers unleavened with oil; they must be made from wheat flour. Put them into one basket, and bring them with the bullock and the two rams.

Slaughter the bullock at the entrance of the tent. Take some of its blood and put it with your finger on the horns of the altar. Pour all the rest of the blood at the bottom of the altar, and put the liver, kidneys and fat on top. Then take one of the rams and slaughter it. Splash the blood on all sides of the altar. Cut the ram into pieces; first wash its inner organs and shanks, and then put them with the pieces and the head. The entire ram shall then be burned on the altar.

After this, take another ram and slaughter it. Take its blood and sprinkle it over the altar. Prepare as above. Put some of the blood on the tip of Aaron’s right ear and on the tips of his sons’ right ears and on the thumbs of their right hands and the big toes of their right feet. Splash the rest of the blood on all sides of the altar; then, out of the basket of unleavened food take one of the loaves of bread, one of the cakes made with oil, and one of the wafers. Give them to Aaron and his sons to wave about as a wave offering. Wave some bread from side to side for yourself, then heave the shoulder and thigh up and down and set aside for Aaron and his sons. Next, boil the flesh of the ram and set aside with the bread and thigh. If there are any leftovers the next day, they must be burnt up.

For seven days you must butcher a bullock each day, then two year-old lambs, one in the morning and one in the evening twilight; cook with a tenth of an ephah of fine flour mixed with a fourth of a hin of olive oil and a fourth of a hin of wine.

— Exodus 29

Bible Baby Names
With the rise of faith in our country, names from the Bible have become increasingly fashionable. Parents looking for inspiration will find many beautiful and unusual names there which are excluded from secular baby books; these are names to remind god-fearing children that they are born in original sin.

Bera – Son of evil
Bidkar – Stabber
Bigtha – Eunuch
Carkas – Vulture
Diblaim – Father of a Whore
Ephai – Gloomy
Gatam – Small and Thick
Harumaph – Weasel
Ikkesh – Stubborn
Job – Bastard
Koa – Male Camel
Lo-Ammi – Not My People
Maher-shalal-hash-baz – Swift to Plunder and Quick to Spoil
Massa – The Burden
Meribaal – Shame
Meribah – Strife
Mishmannah – Fatness
Parosh – Flea
Shamma – Desolation
Tebah – Slaughter
Toah – Bent
Tola – Worm
Zimmah – Wickedness

Restyling the Iconography; A Marketing Report
Christianity needs rebranding. Specifically, the logo needs a rethink. Our churches are family oriented, and the crucifixion is not only morbid, but with its homo-erotic sado-masochistic overtones is hardly an appropriate icon. In any case, Jesus was impaled not crucified, and the cross didn’t appear until the cults of Christ and Tammuz merged in the third century. The cross represents the Tau, or T of Tammuz the Shepherd-God, and until the ninth century it bore the image of a lamb instead of a man; this could make a most attractive emblem.

An alternative solution; Tammuz took his beloved a wedding gift of milk in pails, bearing them on a yoke across his shoulders. This is a wholesome and charming image which dovetails neatly with the crucifixion. It would make a delightful logo, and the wedding reference might help lose the fact that Jesus associated with a prostitute.

Christianity presents many examples of fish imagery, derived from the merger of Christ with the Fish-God Dagon. Baptismal fonts representing the primordial depths are fine, the ancient link with Pisces and astrology could be exploited, but the regalia is problematic. Couldn’t a hat be designed for the pope that is more dignified than a giant fish-head?

Style Decisions of the Pope
While adopting the lavish lifestyle advocated by God, the Holy Father makes his fashion choices from other deities.

The Pope Chooses Accessories:

The Hat — this is inspired by both the Godess Cybele (whose Cult of Harlotry and Holy Taverns site lies beneath St Peter’s) and by Dagon the Fish-God.
The Pallium — its origin is the cloth worn by a shepherd when carrying a lamb on his shoulders. It is ornamented with the Cross Formee, the symbol for pagan sun worship.
The Lappets — these are the strips of cloth on the back of his hat, as worn by pagan kings.
The Stole — his crimson and gold stole bears the symbol of Baal within the eight pointed star of Ishtar.
The Gloves — these bear a sunburst design, another Sun God symbol for Baal.

Accessories from the True Faith:

The Ruby Slippers — these are hand-made in red satin, red silk, and gold threads; each bears a floppy bow and a cross of red rubies. They may be worn with the ceremonial silk stockings, which are interwoven with gold threads and heavily embroidered. Pilgrims are permitted to kiss one slipper.

The Affluent Lifestyle; Would Jesus Approve?
For those of us blessed with material possessions, Jesus’ message of poverty presents a problem. However, our theologically trained clergy are able clarify his meaning for us.

“…it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” — Matt. 19:23
‘The eye of the needle’ is the name of a gate in Jerusalem, which is quite wide enough for a camel. The meaning of this phrase is unclear.

“Blessed be the poor; for yours is the kingdom of God.” — Luke 6:7
Here Our Lord is referring to poverty of the spirit, meaning humility before God.

“…for the love of money is the root of all evil.” — Timothy 6:10
Money isn’t evil, just the love of money.

“…who is there among you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?” — Matt 7:7
Certainly it’s acceptable to send your children to private school.

The Probes Ministry in Texas suggests ways in which we can help the poor:

1. Donate to the church, which, through the area of capital investment, can collect funds to help them.
2. Bring them to Christ, who will give them the strength to overcome their hardships.
3. Firmly but gently admonish them for their laziness and poor habits which lead to poverty.

Bible Study Discussion Topics
1. Why did God design all creatures great so that they would eat all creatures small? Does this make them evil?

2. As God can see the future, he knows what his decisions will be before he makes them; this means he has no free will. Do we have more freedom than God?

3. In the Old Testament, God smites 32.9 million people. Should he obey his own commandment “Thou shalt not kill”?

4. Jesus died in sacrifice for our sins. Who should we blame for his death – the Jews, the Romans, or a god who demands sacrifices?

5. “Thou shalt worship no other gods; for the LORD whose name is Jealous is a jealous god.” Throughout the Old Testament, God competes with many deities. While being careful not to worship, surely we should acknowledge their existence?

6. These stories give evidence that Jesus only loves Jewish people, and God doesn’t love anyone at all. Is this a challenge to our faith?

7. The Old Testament suggests we should plunder wealth from other nations, while the New Testament tells us to rid ourselves of wealth. Which text better supports the American way of life?

8. Did Adam have a belly button?